Yesterday was not a good morning. I woke up to a message from my aunt, “your mom is trying to call you because your car was hit, call her.” After a chaotic morning of many calls with Geico, towing and mechanics, I was handed a $5,500 bill for all my car damages. I refused to feel like a victim and I chose to deal with the problem. (CRAP can i get a break, can I get my birthday wish to come true?) I headed to work, the work that owes me over $500 and simply said they were sorry for not knowing where my check was. After work, I went to my grandparent’s apartment because they always seem to know how to make me feel protected. I got home around 10pm and did not drink a glass of wine and opted for sleep- yes sleep will be better than a glass or two. I woke up this morning and paid all my bills and although I got paid last night, I have no money to go out tonight and possibly meet a nice guy. But I looked at the bright side, I have a great warm apartment and for all its worth, I am happy here and I will continue to fight to keep this peace of mind. I make a call to a friend and continue to listen to music while I clean. My youngest sister sends me a text message after I told her to call me and tells me “Jonathan asked me to be his girlfriend and I met his mother, of course I said yes.”
I immediately wanted to journal my feelings because let’s be honest, as a 27 year old woman I would like someone that I find to be a catch ask me to be their girlfriend. I recall that the last time that happened I was 19 years old. Of course I said, I have a job, a home, and health, I cannot stress the things I do not have. Instead of journaling I thought, let me blog, let me be honest with myself and my feelings. Como me duele! This hurts! My sister isn’t more deserving of this then me. I am super happy for her but I can’t help but wonder did cupid skip me?
She is 24, she makes a lot more then I do as a nurse and she is healthy, happy and beautiful. So what am I doing wrong? Wrong would be a year or two of bad choices but nearly a decade is pretty horrible. I saw my therapist this week and he said “you have to put in the work, be more social, get out there meet brothers, cousins, men!
Honestly…..
Have I been in the wrong places? Is 8 years still considered the “wrong time”? I’m I really not that good of a person that a simple, honest, good, nice guy will not be able to court me?
I’m not ugly, I have a sense of humor, a job, I can cook, I can contribute ideas, thoughts, and even health care to a relationship, so why am I invisible?
As I fall in love with myself I have learned a lot and I am ready to implement my lessons again but I can’t help but wonder what am I doing wrong. (well I jotted a few things down and I will refrain for drinking more than one glass on a 1st date- men can’t take my “realness” sometimes lol)
So I have a plan, instead of wallowing in my misery and pinot, I will wash my hair, cut my nails and put on a happy face. I will meet my girlfriend for dinner tonight, but I can’t help but think- that’s exactly what you are doing wrong. I am hanging out with my grandparents on a Friday night, I am hanging out with my soon to be wife friend on a Saturday night and I am going to watch football in a bar on a Sunday afternoon (guys do no seek for girls on a Sunday afternoon when the Giants and Jets are playing, I know better).
I am over the online dating, I am very happy spending time with my grandparents, friend, and football, but my therapist is right, what work am I putting in? I can’t help but think that my life is ridiculous, it’s not normal and this is painful!
So I am being honest- if you are reading this and you know of a single guy who is 5’11+, who is generally happy with himself and would like to have tea or coffee one day, please send him my twitter name!! I am telling the universe that I am not afraid of my yearnings and I am a fighter but I want to build bridges not walls..
Of course since I have caught myself I can’t help but think-I am perfect as is! I am happy and unlucky are you if you don’t meet me! I’ll meet the right person soon, I know I will! Two happy people coming right up…I know I am something special so special takes a little longer to prepare!
Ahh I feel better! :D
Best lunalove!
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