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I have a huge..BIG and important testimony- I just don't know what it is yet. In the meantime I work hard, take care of my SELF and try hard at achieving all my dreams.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

1/2 of My Generation

I get an upset stomach when I think of that new “hit” television show “My generation.”

10 years is a lot to review and why remind me of the past? After the show is over I am left feeling so depressed, so I stopped watching it. I am not saddened by my own life, but by the idea of knowing how much can happen in the next 10 years. NOPE I don’t like it!

I had lunch with a college friend, also my X-lover. He reminded me that it’s been 5 years since commencement. So I did an exercise that is worth doing. I shifted thoughts and did some simple positive thinking.

Here is what I thought about:

Professional/Career
5years ago- I was applying to NYC teaching fellows and Teach for America.
What has happened since (WHHS) I made NYCTF, I earned a Masters in Education. I did not like it, I found a job in higher education and now I am waiting for my tenure decision…tick tock tick tock

Habitat
5 Years ago- I was living with my friends in Johnson City, NY. I was not even thinking of how many “homes” I will have in the years to come.
WHHS? I moved back home, then with my friend where our apartment was broken into, then I moved by myself and I realized I was not ready for that, then with my other friend and then back home and now I am living alone. Now I am ready!

Love (of course)
5 years ago-
Single and trying to see if my X boyfriend and I would have another chance since I was moving back to NYC.
WHHS? We tried but ended up breaking up for good. I tried so hard to move on, forget, heal, and date again. I dated some interesting people.
1- The sexy and hot marine/secret agent. He was not for me- too controlling and I learned not to date a man who is trying to get a divorce
2- The sexy social worker- he was working more on his social life then anything else.
3- The trader- he broke my heart but I put it back together.

What has happened in your life these past 5 years?

LunaLove

Just dance...


Something happened last night around 7 or 8 o’clock, something HUGE! I was sitting watching or trying really hard to find something to watch besides the Yankee game and I felt a very powerful energy lift me up and I started dancing in my living room. Yes- all alone, just dancing, excreting energy, but let me explain something about myself, and this will all make sense.

When I was younger, I knew I had way too much energy for my own good. My mother new that as well and would tell me “control your self” -HA, but I did not know how. The best thing my mom could think of was to put me in teams in school- so I played for the Lady Jaguars, then Lady General’s basketball team in middle school and joined a bowling league on the weekends while attending Catholic classes and keeping my grades above a 90 average. Then in high school I joined the cheerleading team and excelled without knowing much about gymnastic but by tryouts I had one of the best toe-touchs on the team. All this however was not enough, I would always feel a crazy energy around 7 or 8 o’clock and I would just dance in my living room. I did this alone or in front of people because I could not think of any thing else to do with such a powerful energy. In college, I did the same thing. My poor roommate thought I was crazy for dancing in front of a mirror and somewhere around sophomore year I stopped dancing. Something changed, I lost myself; something was taken away from me. Maybe it’s when my depression started—yea that was it, I have not been the same person in my own skin since then. Until last night—I started dancing again and WOW what joy I felt. I welcomed myself!

I danced and a wave of answers and clarity entered my space. I thought of how happy I was and could only think of one thing, I said thank you- “I have all I’ve ever wanted and its time for more.” I danced for about 10-15 minutes and suddenly got really tired- more tired then usual, so tired I was asleep by 9:30.

So this is what I did in an hour and some of the things that totally made sense:

1- I researched a Catholic Young Adults group in Park Slope and signed up for their next bar-hopping, I mean church-hopping event. This group is made up of young, professional catholic’s from Brooklyn and they even have happy hour events! I never thought in a million years I would find such a group.

2- I penciled myself to attend the next Sunset Park community council meeting because I love my neighborhood and I want to be part of its voice.

3- I signed up to Chimestrydotcom again!! CRAZY, right? Well, I thought- You are giving your X-lover (lets call him Peter) too much power, and he is controlling you without being present in your life. You got hurt, but you learned a lot about men, dating, and yourself- while online dating has its cons it’s also an easy way to meet men. Peter is just one mistake- so I decided that I am more than ready to mingle again. I am not scared and I want to jump right in with both feet again. If my birthday wish is going to come true I have to put in the work and while not dating was what I needed it is no longer what I need or want.

4- Lastly, for so long I’ve wanted to get back into the gym but I could not find any motivation. I would wake up and instead of heading out, I would tell myself "like you 10 pounds over weight, you're sexy." I waited kindly and patiently until last night I said, “Its time to get in shape and take care of your body, lady- healthy is sexier.” This morning I signed up!! I’ll be heading to a gym in a nice neighborhood.....

I common thread with all of the above- they are all positive things that I have wanted to do but did not have the energy, faith or courage. Someone told me to put in the work into your love life, because fairytales are for Disney- so all of the above can lead me to meeting new people. If I want to meet my soul mate, half-orange, life partner, boyfriend, baby-daddy..whatever you want to come THAT GUY I am looking for, then I have to put in the work, but not desperately, I have to put myself out there and do things I enjoy…....this is what people have been telling me but suddenly it made perfect sense. I know what I like and want to do, I am not afraid of myself or others and creating opportunities is my part of the “work I have to put in.”

A lot happened in that hour and then someone tweeted me “tomorrow is a full moon” and while people think its hocus pocus, I am very in tune with the moon (I mean -LUNA), Universal energies, and I am not afraid but embracing ALL of it! Time is needed to heal and its time for me to move forward, forget about what everyone one thinks and just dance!

BEST,
Lunalove

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Honestly...


Yesterday was not a good morning. I woke up to a message from my aunt, “your mom is trying to call you because your car was hit, call her.” After a chaotic morning of many calls with Geico, towing and mechanics, I was handed a $5,500 bill for all my car damages. I refused to feel like a victim and I chose to deal with the problem. (CRAP can i get a break, can I get my birthday wish to come true?) I headed to work, the work that owes me over $500 and simply said they were sorry for not knowing where my check was. After work, I went to my grandparent’s apartment because they always seem to know how to make me feel protected. I got home around 10pm and did not drink a glass of wine and opted for sleep- yes sleep will be better than a glass or two. I woke up this morning and paid all my bills and although I got paid last night, I have no money to go out tonight and possibly meet a nice guy. But I looked at the bright side, I have a great warm apartment and for all its worth, I am happy here and I will continue to fight to keep this peace of mind. I make a call to a friend and continue to listen to music while I clean. My youngest sister sends me a text message after I told her to call me and tells me “Jonathan asked me to be his girlfriend and I met his mother, of course I said yes.”

I immediately wanted to journal my feelings because let’s be honest, as a 27 year old woman I would like someone that I find to be a catch ask me to be their girlfriend. I recall that the last time that happened I was 19 years old. Of course I said, I have a job, a home, and health, I cannot stress the things I do not have. Instead of journaling I thought, let me blog, let me be honest with myself and my feelings. Como me duele! This hurts! My sister isn’t more deserving of this then me. I am super happy for her but I can’t help but wonder did cupid skip me?

She is 24, she makes a lot more then I do as a nurse and she is healthy, happy and beautiful. So what am I doing wrong? Wrong would be a year or two of bad choices but nearly a decade is pretty horrible. I saw my therapist this week and he said “you have to put in the work, be more social, get out there meet brothers, cousins, men!

Honestly…..

Have I been in the wrong places? Is 8 years still considered the “wrong time”? I’m I really not that good of a person that a simple, honest, good, nice guy will not be able to court me?


I’m not ugly, I have a sense of humor, a job, I can cook, I can contribute ideas, thoughts, and even health care to a relationship, so why am I invisible?
As I fall in love with myself I have learned a lot and I am ready to implement my lessons again but I can’t help but wonder what am I doing wrong. (well I jotted a few things down and I will refrain for drinking more than one glass on a 1st date- men can’t take my “realness” sometimes lol)

So I have a plan, instead of wallowing in my misery and pinot, I will wash my hair, cut my nails and put on a happy face. I will meet my girlfriend for dinner tonight, but I can’t help but think- that’s exactly what you are doing wrong. I am hanging out with my grandparents on a Friday night, I am hanging out with my soon to be wife friend on a Saturday night and I am going to watch football in a bar on a Sunday afternoon (guys do no seek for girls on a Sunday afternoon when the Giants and Jets are playing, I know better).

I am over the online dating, I am very happy spending time with my grandparents, friend, and football, but my therapist is right, what work am I putting in? I can’t help but think that my life is ridiculous, it’s not normal and this is painful!
So I am being honest- if you are reading this and you know of a single guy who is 5’11+, who is generally happy with himself and would like to have tea or coffee one day, please send him my twitter name!! I am telling the universe that I am not afraid of my yearnings and I am a fighter but I want to build bridges not walls..

Of course since I have caught myself I can’t help but think-I am perfect as is! I am happy and unlucky are you if you don’t meet me! I’ll meet the right person soon, I know I will! Two happy people coming right up…I know I am something special so special takes a little longer to prepare!

Ahh I feel better! :D

Best lunalove!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Updates

So I dont want to blog about singlehood and stuff like that all the time. It's time to bring "funny" and current events into this blog. Stay tune! :D

Settling.. not an option for me.

A few days ago I met a friend for a brief drink. Oh that pinot grigio was so good. Lately I’ve been having trouble finding a good combination of $ and taste. Anyway,as we exchanged updates and gossiped, she asked me if I’ve met anyone lately.

Is it really that easy? After she told me she was probably going to break up with her boyfriend because she settled into this relationship and did not see it going anywhere after 2 years of dating, she told me that I should consider the following:

1- Settling
2- Not just settling for someone who you do not have chemistry with but who could possibly not have a chance with a female like me and would never leave me.

“Oh yea” I said, dumbfounded.

Is that the SECRET? LMAO- even if I brainwash myself to settle, it wouldn’t work. I am not a pleasant person when I am not happy.

Do girls really settle? Am I reaching too far? I can’t settle now, I won’t settle now. Maybe at 33 I will go to a sperm bank but that’s only is I have the salary to raise my child alone, but settling has really become something else. I think I will settle for my sofa, extra 10 pounds I’ve gain and my cup of noodles, neither of these will tragically complicate my life.

My single life and “catching myself as a fall” is developing into I love myself too much to settle.

By Lunalove,

It just happened...really?

As a sit in Starbucks for the second day in a row in Long Island I can’t help but wonder, “why is this the life that I am living?”

Ok, let’s bring the drama down and give some details. Since Labor day I have not had a break from work. No blog time, no real time for me- gym, yoga, (well I haven’t missed that terribly). Every morning I’ve woke up and drove over an hour to visit schools, students, attend college fairs, fill up my rental car with over -priced gas, drink lots of coffee, eat lunch as a drive, prepare for a college fair, check emails, keep up with work duties, buy toothpaste, move my own car around in the rain, come home at 10pm to eat cup of noodles and do all this with a smile.

Should I complain? Well, I’m not complaining just wondering if the pay check to pay check lifestyle is worth it and when will I have time and more importantly the ENERGY to go to the gym or that yoga class, cook myself a fresh dinner with produce that I bought that day, schedule a real date with my girlfriends or just do my laundry or clean the bathroom and mop my apartment? When can I enjoy my HBO or TV that is not via my DVR? How about just hang out with my abuelo (my grandpa).
Okay- maybe that’s what the holidays are for? Maybe I will take my compensation days and do the above things, but the real issue here is- its sucks that I go home to no one, no one that really understands and makes all this worth more than just for me.

Last night, I ran into a college rep that I met last year and couldn’t help but stare at her engagement ring, “it just happened” she said. Well it didn’t just happen, you had to met him, then date him, do all the ups and downs of a relationship and now “it just happened.” While this alone time has been more than a peaceful gift, I can’t help but wonder, when will it happen to me?

Two weeks after my 27th birthday I can’t help but wonder why at this age and stage in my life (I have a job/career, well travelled, emotionally stable (FINALLY), I’m a good person) when will it happen or why hasn’t it happened yet? Why do I feel like a 50+ divorcee has a better chance at this then I do?

I’m a late bloomer? Why is it that I can’t help but dream about my children- their smiles, likes, cries, health care, schooling, foods, treats, etc.
All this work is making me think if I’ve made the wrong turn somewhere in my life?

All I can do it just continue and smile at the world. It’s not that bad, I have an apartment that I love and a job that more than less I enjoy, wonderful friends and family and a “ME” that I love and admire.

Hopefully the next blog will be about something that “just happened.”

By LunaLove